CHAPTER 4 (Chapter 5 available on 26/11)

CHAPTER 4

LOOKING BACK AT MY SCHOOL DAYS FROM WHERE I AM NOW, I AM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THE FRUSTRATIONS ABOUT HOW PEOPLE TREATED ME BACK THEN AND HOW THAT AFFECTED MY BEHAVIOUR AND ATTITUDE TOWARDS PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T UNDERSTAND DISABILITY.

I REMEMBER THAT EVEN WITH SOMEONE AS KIND AS MRS PALMER, I WOULD TAKE OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS OF NOT BEING WITH MY FAMILY ON HER. I WOULD HIT AND PUNCH HER AND THROW THINGS. SHE WOULD HAVE TO HOLD ME TIGHTLY TO HELP ME CALM DOWN. MY BEHAVIOUR WAS ALRIGHT AT SCHOOL BECAUSE I WOULDN'T BE WITH MY FAMILY THERE ANYWAY, HOWEVER THEY STILL REFERRED ME TO A PSYCHOLOGIST WHO I SAW EVERY MONTH.

THIS HELPED ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL AND ALSO FOR A TIME AFTER I LEFT. MRS PALMER HELPED ME TOO AND I REMEMBER HER SITTING WITH ME TO HELP ME SLEEP BECAUSE I'D NEVER SLEPT ON MY OWN BEFORE AND IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME. THE PSYCHOLOGIST HELPED ME TALK ABOUT MY ANXIETY OF BEDTIME AS WELL AS MY BEHAVIOUR AND THIS REALLY HELPED. NOT EVERYONE WAS AS KIND OR UNDERSTANDING AS MRS PALMER. I THINK THAT IN THE PAST PEOPLE DIDN'T HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE OR UNDERSTANDING TO SUPPORT A PERSON WITH A DISABILITY.

I REMEMBER “REST HOUR” AT FOREST ROW, THE ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS I USED TO GO ON. WE WOULD BE EXPECTED TO HAVE A REST IN BED AFTER LUNCH, REGARDLES OF WHETHER WE WANTED ONE. I HATED IT! THE HELPERS WOULD SOMETIMES SIT NEARBY TALKING ABOUT US AND BEING NASTY AS THOUGH WE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. I DID. IN FACT, ONE DAY I GOT ON THE FLOOR, MOVED OVER TO THEM AND SAID. “I UNDERSTOOD EVERY WORD YOU SAID.” ON ANOTHER OCCASION MY HELPER TOOK ME INTO A ROOM TO SAY, “I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN COPE WITH YOU”. WHEN I REPLIED THAT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY MEANT, THEY SAID IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS “MENTALLY HANDICAPPED.” I AM NOT. BUT EVEN WHEN I REPORTED IT, I WAS TOLD TO ACCEPT WHAT MY HELPER SAYS BECAUSE I WAS ON HOLIDAY. I CONTINUED TO GO TO FOREST ROW AND, THANKFULLY, THE SUPPORT GOT BETTER.

THIS ALSO REMINDS ME OF A TIME WHEN MRS PALMER WAS ILL. I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD AND THEY HAD TO FIND SOMEWHERE FOR ME TO STAY. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING, WHICH FRIGHTENED ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD END UP.

THEY SENT ME TO BEXHILL AND WHEN I ARRIVED, I REALISED THAT ALL THE OTHER RESIDENTS HAD MENTAL DISABILITES. I WAS SCARED AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS THERE. BACK THEN I FOUND PEOPLE WITH MENTAL DISABILITES DIFFICULT. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM AND THEY FRIGHTENED ME. I ALSO DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I AM MENTALLY DISABLED. SOME PEOPLE STILL THINK I AM AND I FIND THIS VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH. MY SPEECH MAKES IT DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND AND IF THEY DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE TO LISTEN, THEY PRESUME I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY. THEY DON'T SEE THE PERSON WITHIN.